1) He’s Having Equipment Malfunctions: You’ve graduated from heavy petting, moved on to clothing removal. You’re hot, bothered, but his big/little/medium-sized soldier will not stand at attention. Even if he tells you this “never happened before”, it happens to men of all ages, all the time. Don’t take it personal! A lot of women assume that the sight of them naked didn’t live up to his expectations somehow, or that they did something wrong in the face of a limp situation; rest assured, this is rarely the case. It could be a number of things: stress, having too much to drink, using drugs/medication, exhaustion, nerves, etc. A number of male friends have described to me having erection issues their first time with new partner. You can try and give him a hand (or a mouth). But if it won’t come to life, make sure you don’t make him feel bad about it; even if he’s not someone you’re dating seriously,  show some sympathy, for there really isn’t anything he can do about it. If he isn’t gentleman enough to offer, you can politely suggest that he finds another way to get you off. And if you’re lucky, the sight of you in the throes of pleasure might wake his sleeping friend up after all.

2) You’re Dry As Toast: Women can experience vaginal dryness even when they are extremely excited for the sexy time. Men, however, don’t often know this because they rarely read about women’s health or sexual issues; as a result, they sometimes assume that a lack of moisture stems from lack of passion for them. If you don’t moisten up prior to intercourse, you may experience bleeding (see #3) and/or MAJOR discomfort. Do not have dry sex. Even if there is no visible blood, the friction can cause tiny little tears on the vagina that make you even more susceptible to STIs. And it freaking HURTS.  Explain that you are (mentally) turned on, but the body sometimes needs a little more time to get going. Fingering may help, but if that doesn’t quickly start the waterworks, then he may just leave you chafe and sore. This would be an excellent time for your man to go downtown.Keep a bottle of lube on deck at your house and at your beau’s crib, if applicable. If there isn’t any handy, don’t even think about using petroleum jelly, body lotion or any other non-vajayjay safe product instead; you can damage the condom and/or get a nasty yeast infection

3) You Bleed Unexpectedly: If your partner pulls out during or after intercourse, only to find blood on his shaft, you both may be a bit scared. Bleeding during sex is not uncommon; it isn’t always cause for panic, but it could be a symptom of something you need to speak to your gyno about (an STI, ovarian cysts, cervical ectopy, etc). Even if you aren’t a virgin, it could simply be that your hymen has torn. You also may have started your period.  Rough sex can also cause bleeding, especially if you aren’t properly lubricated. Tell your partner to relax and that he didn’t do anything wrong (unless he continued with the rough sex after being asked to stop, at which point you have a far more serious problem on your hands). Go to the bathroom, check yourself out and wash up. If you can’t figure out what might have happened, let him know that bleeding during sex isn’t uncommon, but that it would be safest for you to stop the intercourse there. If he’s mad about this, please find someone else to have sex with.

4) You Fall/Hit Your Head/Bang Your Knee…: Sex is a full-contact sport. Injuries come easy. If you’re so focused on making your porn star sexy face that you can’t relax and laugh one of these things off, then you may want to chill out a bit. Sex is supposed to be fun. If you bang your head against the headboard, say “Whoops!” and keep it moving. Unless you’re actually hurt, in which case, please get up and tend to that. Don’t get a concussion trying to pretend like you’re Heather Hunter.

5) You Or He Passes Gas Or Burps: Some people find gross bodily functions to be funny. If you’re like me, you’d probably rather have sex on the porch on a sunny day than to accidentally let out a tiny poot while knocking the boots. If you can laugh his or your funky gassy move off, than go for it; even if it turned him off a little bit, you may get a point or two for being cool about it. You can always just try and pretend like it didn’t happen and keep it moving.

6) Somebody Falls Asleep: …and somebody else is offended. And why wouldn’t they be? You feel asleep while they were sexing you! Alas, it happens. If you’re the culprit, just apologize and explain that you’re exhausted. If he put you to sleep with boredom, I’d still go with the “I’m just tired” excuse and bring up your issues with the sex the next day ( he needs to hear it, but watching a woman fall asleep with him inside of her and THEN getting hit with “I fell asleep because your sex game is WEAK” is a lot for a person’s ego to handle at one time). If he falls asleep, wake him up. If he’s too spent to keep going, such is life. If he’s apologetic about it, let him live; but if he seems nonplussed by the whole thing, you may need to have a conversation about selfishness.

7) You Called Out The Wrong Name: This is bad, real bad. Michael Jackson bad. If you think there is any way that you can find a word that sounds like the name you said, then try and follow up with that. For example: “Oh, Rick” could perhaps be flipped to “Oh sh*t”. Perhaps. You may be able to go with an “Oh Mike…Mike ain’t got nothing on you!” But this is going to be a hard hole to climb up from. Be prepared for some questions about fidelity and the last time you slept with someone else. You can’t get too mad, because you’d probably flip your wig if he momentarily forgot that your name is not Susan.

Someone Touched The Wrong Spot: You read some tricks for oral in Cosmo and you’re just dying to try them on your hubby. Who knew that some men liked a little finger action around the…fast forward to him curled up in a ball on the other side of the bed and you feeling like a criminal. If you did something you thought was hot that turned him all the way off, say “I didn’t meant to scare you baby, I just wanted to try a new way to please you!” Blame the magazine, the book or the friend (d0n’t name her name, that’s just rude) who suggested the  move. If he’s the one who makes the misstep, say “Whoa, I don’t like that.” Be firm, clear, but not mean about it.

9) You Aren’t Gonna Finish And He’s Upset: Most women have a hard time achieving orgasm from vaginal intercourse. However, many are satisfied by the act of sex even if it doesn’t include big “O”. This is difficult for the male brain to process, as 1) his release is almost guaranteed and 2) he sees his ability to bring you to climax as a direct reflection on his bedroom skills (which may or may not be true). If you are one of those women who simply doesn’t come during intercourse or, if you just know it isn’t happening today, gently let him know that. That is, if he asks or seems frustrated about it. If he’s insistent about continuing to try and you’re too tired, be clear about that. Also, you should know the things that DO make you climax, be it oral, manual stimulation or a vibrator. Don’t be afraid to gently remind him of his options.

10) Your Dirty Talk Was A Joke: Talking naughty can be awkward, creepy even. It’s not easy, especially if you aren’t typically very verbal during sex or if you don’t use profane language in your normal conversation. If you try and get your ‘Girl 6′ on and end up sounding like the fool…just laugh! What else can you do? He was probably trying not to laugh all along and seeing you giggle will probably remind him that he’s lucky enough to have the company of a woman who’s bold enough to try something new and chill enough not to take herself too seriously.

What are some of the more embarrassing bedroom snafus you’ve heard about or experienced?